To Strive, To Seek, To Find, and Not To Yield
by madmadkid
Summary: "Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'/We are not now that strength which in old days/Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;/One equal temper of heroic hearts,/Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will/To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." Shepard and Kaidan remember Ash.


"Surprise!"

Shepard stopped abruptly at the sight of her crew amassed in the port observation lounge. Traynor and Cortez were decked out in party hats. Liara was standing over a dubious looking cake and Vega was standing behind the bar, mixing what appeared to be margaritas. She simply stared at the lot of them, confused for several moments until a look of realization dawned on her face.

Shepard didn't say anything. She calmly strode over to the bar, grabbed whatever Vega had been using instead of tequila and then just as abruptly as she had entered, exited the lounge and boarded the elevator.

"I'm no expert on human customs," Garrus was the first to speak. "But that's not how surprise birthday parties are supposed to go, right?"

"EDI, where'd the Commander go?" Kaidan asked over the comm. Joker and EDI had been planning on joining the party only after the relay jump to the Widow system had been completed.

"Deck one. Captain's cabin."

"Shit. I thought a surprise party was a great idea." Vega looked stunned. "Just the thing to cheer Lola up."

"Should—should someone go and talk to her?" Tali asked. Everyone's eyes immediately turned to Kaidan. Even though they had only rekindled their relationship a few short weeks ago, the entire Normandy crew had managed to figure out they were together.

"Were we really being that obvious?" Silence and knowing looks were his answer. Kaidan sighed and headed for the door. "So much for discretion."

He was racking his brain all the way up the slow elevator ride to deck one. Why would celebrating her birthday upset her? The war had been weighing on her for some time of course and the loss of Legion on Rannoch had been particularly difficult, but her birthday seemed like something worth celebrating. He remembered her talking excitedly back on the SR-1 with Ash about how much she loved birthdays and—

He was halfway to her door when it hit him. Ashley. Their birthdays were only three days apart. That excited conversation he remembered had taken place after the two women had made that discovery and their excitement had been about the prospect of celebrating their next respective birthdays together. The door to Shepard's cabin was unlocked and he quietly let himself in.

"This is actually my first birthday since Virmire." Shepard was sprawled out on her couch, having already downed a considerable amount of Vega's tequila substitute. "I died before my 29th, I was dead for my 30th and I didn't wake up until after my 31st." The alcohol had acted surprisingly fast. Shepard didn't usually discuss her death with him so bluntly. She offered the bottle to Kaidan as he sat down across from her. He took a quick swig before responding, the alcohol burning his throat. It sure went down a lot like tequila.

"This is not how Ash would have wanted you to spend your birthday."

"How do you know?" she snapped at him. "She'da been 28 on Tuesday." Her face scrunched up and she looked like she was fighting back tears. "So fucking young."

"You're only a few years older Shepard," he reminded her.

"Yeah, but not really. Ash was _young_. Like still saw wonder in the universe young. Still believed in God young. She wasn't all fucked up and ruined by the world yet."

Kaidan took another swig of the not-tequila.

"There are so many things she won't get to do. She had sisters, a family. She'da made a great aunt. Christ, she'd made a great _mom_. She'da made some meathead like Vega the happiest guy in the world."

Kaidan actually laughed out loud at the thought of those two together. He could see it working though. She'd have kept him line, that's for sure.

"If he could keep up with her," he commented, taking another drink before handing the bottle back to Shepard.

"You think she coulda made it past Gunnery Chief? After Saren and all."

"She'd have made it damn difficult for them not to promote her."

"But we'll never know and Ash'll never have another birthday because of the stupid fucking Reapers and this stupid fucking war and the stupid fucking choices I've made." She took a long swig from the bottle.

Kaidan snatched the bottle back from Shepard, taking a long swig of his own.

"Christ." Shepard slapped a palm over her own face. "Not that _you're_ a stupid fucking choice. God that sounded horrible. It's just—I don't know it seems the choices I make keep getting people I care about killed. Ash, Mordin, Thane, Legion—I don't want to do it anymore. I don't know if I can, Kaidan."

Kaidan wasn't sure what to do. He hated seeing her like this, but he knew even Shepard needed to be weak sometimes. She drew strength from how others saw her. To the galaxy at large, she was Commander Shepard, Hero of the Skyllian Blitz and Savior of the Citadel. She had to fight to maintain that image. Ever since Mars, he'd noticed cracks forming in her carefully constructed persona. She need time off to ease some of that strain before it broke her entirely.

He set the bottle down and moved closer to her on the couch, pulling her into his arms.

"Let's take the night off," he said into her hair. "We can drink to Ash and read all that sappy poetry she loved." She sighed into his chest.

"What was that one she was always saying? Started 'I cannot rest from trouble' or something like that?"

"Travel," he laughed. "'I cannot rest from travel.' _Ulysses_."

'_There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:  
There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,  
Souls that have toil'd, and wrought, and thought with me—  
That ever with a frolic welcome took  
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed  
Free hearts, free foreheads—you and I are old;  
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;  
Death closes all: but something ere the end,  
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,  
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.  
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:  
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep  
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,  
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.  
Push off, and sitting well in order smite  
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds  
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths  
Of all the western stars, until I die.  
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:  
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,  
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.  
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'  
We are not now that strength which in old days  
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;  
One equal temper of heroic hearts,  
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will  
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.'_


End file.
